


Sisyphus

by soupertlh



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Projecting onto Deceit | Janus Sanders, Comfort/Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders-centric, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I have no regrets, No beta we die like Roman's self esteem, One Shot, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Short One Shot, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, light cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29377500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soupertlh/pseuds/soupertlh
Summary: Janus tries so, so hard to get better, to feel okay. But it feels like every single time he starts to make progress, he falls right back to where he was before. Remus helps him.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 1
Kudos: 51





	Sisyphus

**Author's Note:**

> [TW: Self harm, self deprecation, light cursing, food mentions, Remus-typical dialogue]  
> Janus, I am so sorry. But, y'know, hurt-comfort is fun to write. Also, if there's anything else I forgot in the TW list feel free to let me know!

It was never supposed to get this bad.

He never meant for this to get out of control, but it did.

And now he had to suffer the consequences.

Cursing himself under his breath, Janus continued to clean up the blood welling from the cuts on his arm. Just a few minutes ago everything was fine, but then... well, then the situation escalated. One thing led to another and before he knew it he had a knife pressing against his skin and cuts littered across his arm.

It wasn't the first time. It wasn't even the first time in the last few days.

For every simple lie that he was alright, that he was just tired, and no he hadn't done anything rash, there was a night proving otherwise. He didn't dare to tell anyone. He was supposed to be strong, to show the others that it's possible to have healthy coping mechanisms and take care of yourself. That it was possible to get better.

It wasn't like they didn't know this had been an issue. Remus, Logan, Patton, every single one of them had been supportive and done their best to help, and he was so, so grateful. They were going through some of the same things, after all. There had been many late nights of Janus talking the others out of hurting themselves over phone or text, or just sitting with them on their side of the mindscape to help them feel better.

Despite this, the idea of reaching out himself was terrifying. He didn't want them to know that it'd gotten this bad again. He didn't want them to know

Janus sighed softly, throwing away another damp paper towel stained red and summoning a new one. Just as he was about to put it against his skin, he jumped as he heard someone knock on the door. "I'm busy," he hissed, drawing out his s's.

"Patty-cakes made dinner, though. And you've been busy all day!" The other whined, his voice unmistakable. Remus.

"Just leave me alone," Janus muttered, and he winced at how vulnerable he sounded. There was a beat of silence.

"Are.. are you okay, Janny?"

"Yes, everything is fine." His voice was tight, edged with irritation.

Remus did not believe that at all, as he announced he was coming in and started to wiggle at the doorknob. Janus felt his heart rate spike as he rushed to his feet, accidentally knocking his chair over as he pushed papers aside and hid his blade.

"Thanks for asking permission first," Janus drawled. He tried to keep his demeanour smooth and calm as he continued to adjust the things on his desk. Despite all of his efforts, however, the moment Remus opened the door he practically jumped out of his skin.

Remus' expression was unreadable as he entered and clicked the door shut behind him. He walked over to where Janus was, before summoning a stool and sitting down "So," he said, glancing the other over, "What's going on?"

"Look, I'll join you all for dinner, okay? I could use a break anyway."

"That doesn't answer the question~" Remus sang, not willing to give up so easily.

"We can talk about this after we eat." Janus adjusted his gloves as he spoke, making sure they were securely on his hands. The intrusive side stared at him for a moment, thinking, before shrugging and hopping off of the stool.

"Okay! C'mon!" Remus grabbed Janus by the sleeve in his excitement and started to drag him out the door. Unfortunately for Janus, this meant the fabric of his shirt rubbed against the fresh cuts. In a flash of pain, he pulled his hand back, clutching it protectively against his chest. Remus stopped and turned back to him.

Janus quickly attempted to compose himself, letting go of his arm and waving his hand dismissively. "Sorry about that. I'll follow right behind y-"

"Janus?"

"Yes?" Janus frowned slightly, glancing around.

"Can I see your arm?" Remus asked quietly, and a flash of surprise crossed Janus' face.

"That isn't necessary," Janus laughed nervously. Remus raised an eyebrow at him, and he hesitantly continued. "I mean, I hate these heart-to-heart moments, and so do you, so why don't we just continue like nothing happened?" Remus rolled his eyes.

"Oh, alright! I'm sure Logie will be so glad to hear that he can just continue to pretend he has no feelings under that cool and logical exterior just because 'he doesn't want to talk about it'. Oh, and I guess we won't have to worry about Patton either since he wants us to believe he's only ever happy! I could go on, but I'm preeetty sure ya get the point." Janus shook his head.

"That's not what I meant and you and I both know it. I'm- you really don't need to worry about me, I have everything under control. I just need to pull myself together and stop acting like such an idi-"

"Does this seem like 'under control' to you?" Remus asked, gesturing to Janus in his disheveled state and the mess of a room they were in. Janus fell silent, staring at him.

They could hear Patton's voice calling from the kitchen. "Janus? Remus? Are you two coming?" Remus paused and turned to the door before shouting back.

"We'll be right there, give us a few minutes," Remus said, looking back at Janus. His expression and demeanor was softer than usual. "Look, Janny, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you aren't special. You don't allow the others to lie to themselves and others and say that everything is fine when it's not, so why should it be different for you?"

"They need the help. I don't." Janus hugged himself slightly, wrapping an arm around his torso. "All I need to do is start listening to my own advice. I can fix this myself. You guys shouldn't- ..."

"Shouldn't what?" Remus asked, tilting his head.

"You guys shouldn't need to deal with... this." Janus gestured to himself. "I'm a mess, but yet here I am trying to help all of you learn self care. I'm a hypocrite. You all deserve someone better who- who actually knows what they're doing instead of me."

Remus paused, before taking Janus' hands in his own. "Honestly? Yeah, you're a mess. But so are all of us. And... that's okay. We still love you, even if you have moments where life feels shit. We'll be here to support you since you've always been here to support us." He gave Janus a gentle smile.

"I..." Janus trailed off. Remus took the end of his sleeve, looking up at him in silent question. He nodded, and so the intrusive side carefully pulled it up his arm to inspect the cuts. "It's really not that bad," he mumbled. Remus raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything as he summoned antiseptic and bandages.

"This is probably going to hurt like a bitch, but, ya know, it needs to be done," Remus said as he started to dab the antiseptic cloth against his arm. Janus squeezed his eyes shut, sharply inhaling through his teeth as he resisted the urge to pull away. "You're doing great Jan, just a little bit more and we'll be done the hard part." After what felt like ages but was probably just a few more seconds, Remus finished cleaning the cuts and the stinging sensation started to fade. 

Janus hesitantly opened his eyes, watching Remus as he began to methodically wrap bandages around his arm with the practice of someone who'd done this many times before. "I'm sorry," he said softly. Remus paused, looking up at him.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked. Janus shrugged in response, vaguely gesturing with his free hand.

"I don't know, everything? You shouldn't have to do this."

"I mean, yeah, I wish I didn't have to do this, but that's because I want you to be happy," Remus spoke casually, back to wrapping the gauze. "You deserve to be happy, just like everybody else. Sometimes I think ya forget that. But I don't mind reminding you." He summoned scissors, cutting the end of the bandages and securing them against Janus' arm. "I'll do this as many times as it takes because I want to help you, and so do the others. We all love you." Remus glanced up at him and stopped, furrowing his eyebrows. "What are you looking at me like that for?"

"Nothing, it's just... thank you, Remus. I really needed that." Janus smiled at him. Remus' eyes widened slightly, but he quickly laughed it off.

"Don't mention it. Seriously. I'm going to start vomiting unicorn guts or something if it gets any more mushy gushy in here." Remus vanished the spare bandages and scissors. "You ready to go back to the others? They made spaghetti~!" Remus sang, bouncing on his toes slightly.

Janus chuckled softly, deciding that was the closest he was going to get to Remus accepting the compliment. "Sure, why not." He started to walk to the door, putting his hand on the knob before glancing back at the other with a raised eyebrow. "You expect me to talk to the others about... my relapse, don't you?" 

Remus smiled sheepishly. "Maybe. You definitely don't need to do it as soon as we get out there, but, uh, it's important that they know what's going on so we can support you."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. It's still nerve-wracking, though," Janus said. The creative side nodded slightly.

"For sure. I'll be your moral support, though! Or, rather, your immoral support? Whatever, same thing. Lets go, I'm hungry." Remus giggled. Janus smiled back, and the two of them made their way to the others together.


End file.
